Only a mothe r could love this liver
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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