I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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