ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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