U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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