capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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