I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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