I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
