He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
