so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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