If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
