walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Randomize
