he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
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