fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
