the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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