Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
