I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I did not marry a roomba.
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