Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
