I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
