I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
