my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
