My underwear smells like fireworks.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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