I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
