I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
