i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
