They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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