yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
