As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
