Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
