Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
