i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
We got so high we made milksteak
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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