On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
