I wish life had little blips of pornography
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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