you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
