I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
