Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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