Define "chronic" masturbator.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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