All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
