Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
