i would punch a child for taco bell
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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