She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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