she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
