he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
me + whiskey = a bad person
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
