I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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