almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
