Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
