life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
