I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
