I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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