I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
