my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
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