Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
