Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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