he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
